Embrace Your Nerdiness

Latin II, Mr. Cameron’s class was my first challenge in my high school academic path. There was about seven of us in the class. Latin was required when I went to the catholic high school so when I switched over to Public HS they just put me in Latin II. I remember David P. turning around one day in class and saying... “How did you get in this class?” His inflection was clear, I wasn’t as smart as the others. I never forgot that.

At that time in my life, I was in charge of our house, cleaning, cooking and working sometimes on school nights in the kitchen at my dad’s bar. Not to mention the on going drama in my social life with my cheating boyfriend. LOL ... There was not enough time for studying so a “C” and even my first “D” reflected my little effort.

Throughout high school, I maintained a B average and managed to graduate in top quarter of class. Still, my self-image was always poor. I dropped out of college in 1971 because I believed my goal was unachievable and out of reach. It took years of my perceptive husband Fred’s constant affirmations and you can do this and then at last a turn around.

When I returned to college in 1981 to finish my last two years I gave 100%. Like the scarecrow in Oz, I had a brain. As an education major, the courses I took made me realize for the first time there were reasons for my rough road in some courses besides the overall lack of effort. It became very clear I had ADHD. I recognized some of the clues in my Ed psych class. It was easy to see I was a tactile & visual learner not auditory. Some call it “Right Brained”. The hands-on college courses had me charged up.  Gardner’s Seven Areas of Intelligence was an inspiration and I vowed I would include all seven areas in my lessons. I have kept that promise.

My colleagues see me as an “out of the box” creative thinker. My style of dress has me a candidate for “What Not to Wear” wearing my collection of “94” converse shoes. Yes, I play in my classroom; I make up for the years of working in my youth when I color or dance with my students and my 50 marionettes. I embrace my nerdiness. 

What time is it?

It is time to make changes. It is time to dream. It is time to live and be in control.

This week is my spring break. I have cleaned, moved all furniture and pictures in my house, an OCD trait that I have always had but in last four years it has been quite apparent it is compulsive. Control is the big issue here. What is it that can be controlled when you think your life is spiraling out of control?

Last summer we took one week off to go to Myrtle Beach. Sadly, one of the reasons was to have time with Fred’s brother Chuck who was dying of cancer. He lost his battle in the fall and we were all so thankful for that summer together. But I came home different. Life is too short.

The first thing about my life that I decided I could control was what I ate, my weight. Getting healthy became a priority. Visualization is something that always worked for me in the past. Putting pictures on the fridge of cars, furniture, vacations etc have always been part of my repertoire. I decided to do this again and started to surround myself with pictures of me smiling with me grandkids, family and friends.

Another first is deciding to comply with the doctors and take the pills I need to shake my depression and also sleep at night. I did not want to go this route but with the encouragement of those around me and also my doctor’s concern and lecture I said OK. His genuine fear I was going to hurt myself made me feel embarrassed like a scolded child.

My personal visualizations included mental images on my bicycle again. This escape was one from childhood. When the wind hits my face, it is exhilarating. Riding is not exercise it is freedom. I ride almost every day weather permitting. Roller-skating gives me the same feeling but no courage to skate again. After my broken wrist last year, I am not so sure.

Having a short vacation break is the needed boost it is meant to be. I feel like the “energizer bunny”. I am even looking forward to returning to work with all the ideas I have been cooking up in my head this week.

Take one day at a time. Savor each day. Accept what you cannot control, God is in control.

2011 Reflection on the Positive Side

Fred had a health scare. Thank you God he survived another close call with his heart.

Mom was in the hospital four times. Thank you God, I survived.

The PT Cruiser died. Thank you God, I’ve got a new Mini-Cooper.

I had a bout with depression. Thank you God it disciplined me to lose weight.

Cancelled our trip to Europe. Thank you God I got to see my grand kids three times.

Class size has increased. Thank you God, my students are well behaved.

Needed more time. Thank you God for on line banking.

My doctor moved out of state. Thank you God I have a new one that has me on track.

My hair looked like crap. Thank you God, the girls forced me to get it cut.

Thank you God for our family, friends and love but most of all thanks for Fred.

Saturday Revisited

Today was like a dream... sleeping in until 9:00 o’clock. Staying in my night-shirt for half the day, I felt naughty. I did whatever I wanted. I watched a few movies on demand, HGTV shows. I sat out in the sun without sunscreen. I am sure the neighbors heard my Mario Lanza albums blasting.

Fred’s car died so I am stuck at home and loving it. No one is here. I am alone in my own house for the first time in almost four years.
Life is good. I need to get back to playing in my house now, mom will be out of rehab soon.

Wicked

This is my birthday week. Fred took me to see the Broadway play Wicked. We had front row seats. It was a wonderful evening. I felt normal. I felt like Laurie. I felt Wicked in a good way.

It has been months since I have been able to think clearly let alone blog. Health issues hanging over my head has resulted in a bout of depression and pity party. My children both came to Florida and I was able to have a fleeting visit with them in hopes I could snap out of it. Instead of smiles and grandbabies kisses giving me joy I found myself sinking deeper. Depression sucks.

Finally about a month ago, my doctor insisted I start medication. I hate any medicine as I blame most of my problems on the side effects of taking so many. Three years ago I only took a vitamin. Now I take more than a dozen pills a day. But I said yes in a desperate attempt to get my life back.

When my mother came for a visit and had her stroke I became paranoid it could happen to me. I regret today I said yes to aggressive medication for my over 500
Cholesterol. This medication depleted me of vitamins and caused stomach problems, then more meds. All of which had a domino effect. The calcium depletion contributed to my wrist injury.

My injury seems to have triggered an auto-immune disease which I must learn to live with. My husband wants his wife back, my children want their mom back and I feel like I am climbing Mt. Everest every day I get out of bed.

But I have so many who love me. Their genuine daily concern for me is better than the little blue pill I take. Friends force me to go out to dinner with them or make time for myself. My girls call daily. My husband is steadfast and continues to put me first.

Sixty offers me hope.

Wooooooo Who!!!!!!

It is the little things that make you happy. These past two months I have been disabled with the use of only one hand. I did not know how many things that you need both hands; things like getting dressed, driving, lifting a pot of water, curling your hair, shaving under your arms, putting on deodorant and typing.

Today, I am typing with both hands. Yea. It is the first time I have written my blog since September. My hand injury really messed me up. This week I was given back some of my life but the single biggest monumental gift was it is Ok to drive.

I swear it was the exact same feeling I had the day I got my driver’s license and my dad took me to pick up my 1969 Cougar. You remember the day you got your drivers license and you were FREE... that feeling. Woooo who!!!!!

Driving to work with my car that was loaded with crap like trees, ornaments, and Christmas marionettes was like riding with the radio blasting and windows down in the 60's. It was easy to figure out my dismay these past months was a control issue. Waiting on a driver or leaving school before I was ready to go home was out of my control. Not driving was the first domino in my pity party.

After only two days I can see a light at the end of this tunnel. When I am at home I am allowed to take off the splint, this is why I can finally type. Evaluating and learning from this injury and my experience has been life giving. God tells us to slow down or else. I have learned to do on line banking, bill paying, and purchase items on line out of necessity. I have come to appreciate every little thing from brushing my teeth to shaving under my arms.

I no longer have the luxury of talking on phone on my trip home because I need my right hand for driving. I miss this but know it is imperative I am extra careful on the road.

There is much to be thankful for like my trip to see my grand kids and the fact I saw Jaime’s new baby Parker before I fell. My grandson calls me “Grammystein” after Frankenstein because of my long scar on my wrist. The name might even stick as he got a kick out of my new name all weekend.

But the real hero is Fred. He has taken me to doctors, dressed me, washed my clothes, cooked, shopped and listened to me whine and moan. He is going to take a trip north without me this weekend. He deserves the quiet sans Laurie.

All I have to do is dream.....

Do you still dream?? I am not talking about the disjointed thoughts and wanderings from the last few days nor the nightmares that wake you up in a sweat. I am talking about the thoughts and want and hope for your future.

When I was a little girl because my parents were never home and our family life was polar opposite of Beaver Cleaver I would dream of marrying someone who worked nine to five and was available to be with his family on weekends. This dream was fulfilled for many years when Fred worked as a sales engineer. Our girls had their dad every night at the dinner table for discussions and attention.

Another dream was I wanted to be there for my children. Blessed again I was a stay at home mom the first ten years of marriage. When I did work it was nights while the girls slept and their daddy babysat.

Later, my dream was to get a teaching degree. This too came true and my career gave me the opportunity to be there for Annie & Jaime. Summers were gifts and many treasured memories were made as we had many adventures traveling. I often packed up the car the day after school let out.

Recently, I was in a rut mentally and it came to me that I had stopped dreaming. I had just given up because of time constraints, finances and life changes. This doldrums dynamics can throw you in a funk and magnifies the whole situation. When I made this realization, I stopped short and decided to do a U-turn and start dreaming again.

Posting pictures on my refrigerator of material things helped me set goals to actually purchase a few things for our home. I started to say when we go on our vacation or next year when we do this or that. I am buying lottery tickets again and then taking a few minutes to think of what I will do when I win. I close my eyes and visualize my grand-kids running in the airport to greet me. I picture Fred and me walking through the streets of Rome or sitting watching our grand-children play sports or in band concerts and dance recitals.

Dreaming is free. It costs nothing and it can be the tonic you need to get back on track. Write down five dreams and put them on your fridge then go buy a lottery ticket.

On Demand

Thirty years ago, “On Demand” was how I described my parenting style as a nursing mom; baby cries = pick up baby. Now it has a whole new meaning and I love it. I can fast forward through a commercial or see an entire season of a show in a weekend. Anything where I can have total control gets an A+ in my book.

Every day I look through the menu “On Demand” and see what shows I can get caught up on or just find out what all the fuss is about. I got hooked last year and found “ Royal Pains” and “Drop Dead Diva”. That is when I became absorbed in“Mad Men” too. (As an aside, Don Draper gets my vote for the next James Bond)

During the school year I do not have any time for leisure TV. Bedtimes are early just because of sheer exhaustion after a commute, cooking dinner, grading papers etc. But summer, that’s vacation mode ... staying up late, sleeping in, projects, and “On Demand”. There are so many movies that are chick flicks or just not Fred’s style. I can clean out all the kitchen drawers or go through a stack of ironing and watch episode after episode of design shows and home improvement segments.

When friends come over with their children I don’t need to pull out the babysitting videos, I just zap to channel 1. Modern day’s version of on demand parenting is a lot easier and no saggy boobs as an after affect.

Refrigerator Pic

Many years ago I was reading some article or self help book (who knows? ) that said you have to visualize something to make it happen. That was the start of a crazy habit. Whenever I wanted something I could not afford I would rip the picture out of a magazine and put in on the refrigerator.

I think I did not want to anger the Visualization gods as I made sure I only had one dream picture at a time posted. In the last 13 years I had a picture of a dog, porch, a PT Cruiser, laminate floors, wood floors, an HHR, granite tops in my kitchen, a shore vacation picture and other wants not needs. Amazingly, all came to fruition.

I opted to not put a picture of a thinner me. I was too afraid I would jinx myself. But this last round of medication and lack of exercise has really packed the pounds on this 4”11” frame. My new shorter haircut makes me look & feel like Petunia Pig.
It is time to look for that realistic photo that would match my 59 years. I don’t want to lose the required 40 pounds to meet the Weight Watcher goal but 15 pounds would be nice. Diet starts today.

Pity Party

“Pity Party”
This week I posted a short blog saying I was closing down my page only to have two faithful followers chastise me for having a pity party. My daughters Annie and Jaime are adamant that I need to continue because I love to write.

Secretly, they know if I rage on about trivial mundane things it might save them from the ranting later in the day when we speak on our daily phone call. So Ok, I shall plod forward and continue.

Or maybe, it was the Gag Award I won at school, “Most Likely to Write for Saturday Night Live”.

Time to Admit Defeat

Summer is almost here and I will have some welcome free time. I plan to take a few days and print out all of my blogs and then shut down my blog page. I love to write but when I “googled” when is it time to quit... it was evident I need to shut down.

I suppose if something gets in my crawl I can write a note on my facebook page. My blog served a good purpose, it was therapy for me as I faced some challenges at this time of my life. But a good blog entertains and evokes thinking and written response. I still need therapy, but it may be time to just pay a good psychologist.

Valentine Memories

Valentine’s Day is the perfect day to reflect on the past. My first memory is of catholic school. We had to tape a paper lunch bag to our desk and then a few students at a time delivered their cards. You sat there with your heart pounding and you were praying that you would get at least one. It was awful. Thank God when our generation grew up we made sure our children gave every kid a card.

In high school, I had a boyfriend who cheated on me every Valentine’s Day. He would actually go to both of his girlfriend’s houses. Once he came over late with a hickey on his neck. He told me his friend put a vacuum hose up to his neck fooling around.... and I BELIEVED HIM. I was pathetic.

Later, in college it became a warm amazing memory. Fred asked me to marry him just six weeks after we started to date steadily. He left for the army two months later and did not return until the night before we got married. It is a miracle we have made it all these years. We really did not know one another. Our courtship was through the U.S. mail. He never missed one day. He wrote me daily for six months.
I feel in love with him like a mail order bride.

What is your favorite memory?

Tis the Season

The holidays are times that generate reflections of the past.  I have decided to write several posts and toast to childhood memories.

When I was twelve we had just moved into a new bigger house and it was our first Christmas there. My father was the decorator and he went all out with the holiday lights. We had spotlights, large candles and a perfectly shaped blue spruce. No fake trees in our house. Of course the fake trees in those days were white aluminum with a rotating colored strobe light shining. UGH. I remember feeling sorry for a few friends who had them. My mother bought dozens of large blue bulbs with white holiday scenes engraved on each. We marveled because we had never seen anything like them before.

Christmas morning arrived and we ripped opened our gifts. My dad would always light the fireplace and use the wrappings to help start the fire. I decided to do this on my own and put all the paper in the fireplace. I lit it but alas, I did not open the flue. The room and house filled with smoke. My mom ran around screaming like a bangee.

My first response was to run into the kitchen and get the broom.  I came back in and used the handle to open the flue and all was well. My dad affirmed me over and over because I had stayed calm. Even though I had made a mistake, I was happy with myself for saving the day. I was off the hook; mom was in the doghouse with dad because she lost it.

My pride was short lived (about ten minutes) because I stood too close to the tree for a photo and my bathrobe caught on an ornament. Unaware, when I started across the room that most carefully decorated tree followed me and fell and broke every NEW expensive ornament my mom had just bought for the new house.

OOPS…  “Tis the season to be Jolly”

Basking in the Light

There are so many times when we are rushed and do not take time to bask in the light. I am lucky I live in Florida, the Sunshine State. There are days when I need to let the light in my life. You know the kind of day, flat tire, late to work, rushing through traffic to get home. But, I only have to walk outside and look to the sky and know God is with me, I can feel His warmth kissing my face and I am at peace.

I love decorating for Christmas. Each year I try to do something a little different. I recycle old ornaments and use them in my classroom or donate them to a new teacher who has no shiny ornaments or menorahs to display. My tree and home look so warm and inviting with holiday lights. At night, I do not want to go upstairs. I just want to bask in the light and I am at peace.

Our porch has a chimney where I can light a fire. Yes, it is Florida but our December feels a bit brisk at night a lot like fall up north. It is my favorite month of year down here. So I bask in the light of the fire and I am at peace.

This week, we have enjoyed the light of a full moon so bright you wake up and look outside and swear it is morning. It is an awesome light and I am at peace.

Sometimes, the light comes from people who you love like your husband, children, grand children and friends. It radiates from their eyes when they run to greet you. I see the light and I am at peace.

I look forward to the peace and love of the holidays and basking in the light.

Pet Peeves

Just in time for the season. What is your pet peeve? I have many and even thinking about them is like chalk grating on the blackboard.

I hate the service stations that run out of paper for your receipt. You wait in line, pump your own gas and of course your in a hurry and then it says receipt inside. Then you have to go inside and wait in another line to get a receipt. Lately, I just say the heck with it and leave. Thanks to online banking I can still keep track.

Shopping is always a little stressful this time of year and you wonder where they get the cashiers or who in the world trained them? God forbid if you hand a cashier a twenty and three cents for a total of $15.03 they cannot handle it. It used to upset me because they said Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas but now they don’t say anything they should just say Bah Humbug.

Eating out is such a joy and the ambiance is so ruined when you look across the room and the women at the next table are putting on make up. The works, pancake powder, a little blush and lipstick. It is so wrong.

Being a teacher is rewarding but often parents are the problems not the students. Parents who dress their boys in pull on pants with no zippers in the sixth grade and then wonder why kids are bullying their son. Hello???????????

Parents who drive to school because their kid forgot their lunch because their child would be too embarrassed to eat the peanut butter sandwich provided by cafeteria. Tell them to suck it up and eat peanut butter.

Lastly, I hate when I buy wrapping paper and ornament hooks and then open up my stored decorations to find I bought them half price after Christmas last year to save money this year. Oh well “tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la…”

It is Only A Matter of Time.

When I was younger I had so much patience. When I waited tables, all the old people sat in my section because I was nice to them. They would send their food back to the kitchen several times if it was not prepared exactly right. They were lousy tippers and they stole all of the Sweet ‘N Low.

When I worked in a retail store, seniors were always returning merchandise. Once there was an old lady who brought back a pair of pajamas that were three years old and complained they had holes in them.

Sometimes you might be behind these complainers in a cashier’s line and they are talking very very loud.

I finally figured old people out. They have had poor food service for 60 plus years. They have been ripped off with merchandise purchases for 60 plus years. They have had stupid cashiers for 60 plus years. They have had ignorant sales people for 60 plus years.

The best I can figure is it is only a matter of time and I will be sending back my food, returning merchandise after I wear it a few years and absconding with the Sweet & Low.

Affirmations

Lately, I am a self-help book junkie. I devour them and try to meditate and analyze why I do this or why I do that. Basically, I figured out the reason I like to have fun with my middle school students is that I am trying to have the childhood I missed. So I like to sit down and draw with them, color or build my marionettes. I was eleven when running our house fell to me. My sister got married so I slipped into the “first child” syndrome. It was a heavy burden for a little kid.

In the morning my routine was get up, iron my uniform and brother’s dress shirts, make breakfast and off to the bus. After school, babysitting, chores and cooking dinner. My parents both worked so by the time I did dishes I was exhausted and off to escape in my room.

My opinion of myself was that I was a poor student. I never studied or developed good habits. It was a wonder I got “B” honor role each report. During one of my in depth looks at myself the light bulb went off. There was the realization that I really wasn’t stupid if I got B’s with no effort.

Anyway, the point is sometimes we do things, or wear things or enjoy things more than others because of our memory tracks.

One way to break out of negative memory triggers is to do self-affirmations. You look in the mirror like that guy on Saturday Night Live and say you are a good person, or I love my life or I am skinny. But the best affirmation I found in a book is "I am a money magnet. I am a money magnet. I am a money magnet…"

Do you know a money magnet? Someone who is like Midas…

Money should not be part of our value system but if this works, I will be with my babies for Christmas and renting a home at the seashore in the summer. "I am a money magnet. I am a money magnet."

It was like a first drink....

I am not sure when it happened, maybe it was when our girls went off to college, some of you can relate to an empty nest syndrome but anyhow it happened. I became addicted. The first few times it was weekends, while I ironed. Later, it became an all day Saturday thing, and then I became hooked and needed a daily fix.

Fred used to blame Christopher Lowell but me I know that my problem started long before with the show “This Old House”. That simple show was shoved aside for the likes of “Trading Spaces”, “Design on a Dime”, “Decorating Cents” or “Room by Room”. Then came a long string of copycats. You only have to watch BBC and see almost every hit design show on our side of the ocean was just a renamed and revamped idea from the Brits. It is no wonder they have an air of superiority around Americans.

The summer is the worst because there is time to actually put the ideas I see into place. With my out of the box mentality it is often lethal to Fred. I am slowing pulling him to my side. He has come to the point where he just does what I ask. There are telltale signs still that he wanes, like a rolling of his eyeballs when I explain what I want. My favorite thing is when he sees something in a magazine a year or two later and says “Wow! You were way ahead of your time”.

Of course my ideas give way to stories that come back to haunt me. These are the kind of tales that someday friends and family will be talking about when I am gone. Like when I painted a wall Kelly green in our master bedroom (we moved our master across hall after that one) or when I took apart the toilet and had it sitting in the hall when Fred came home (our toilet was like a rocking chair until the day we moved) and then there was the infamous time I took out an entire wall while Fred was at work. Fred was in shock for a week. All of the above happened before that first sweet taste of a home improvement program when I was ahead of my time.

Thank God for AAA

Even though the cost of this service has gone up considerably over the years, I find I have always gotten my money’s worth. When we first left our hometown to venture into unknown territory and the blizzard weather conditions of Cleveland AAA saved us many times with towing and battery charge ups. When you live without family near to help you out, these kinds of services are a must.

When we would travel we would call ahead for trip tickets and the books and maps of places we would visit. I remember the long lines around the holiday times to get the directions and tips for our getaways. The most amazing thing to me was the little eye dropper they would use on the maps to erase the magic marker if they made a mistake. As a teacher, I wondered many times just what was in that little dropper. I could have used it over the years. ( it is not nail polish remover, tried that) I digress.

Today, after a month of no car, I was excited because I had planned a special outing with my mom. I was going to bring her to attend an all Latin Mass complete with communion kneelers and tall gold candles. I went out in the driveway and alas, my car would not turn over. I thought maybe it was gas but after putting in a few gallons (Floridians always have this on hand) no luck.

AAA came to my rescue. My battery was dead. This makes sense to me after my car sat in the dealership for one month with the engine removed. We didn’t make the Latin Mass, maybe we can make it to the Vietnamese?

What's in a name?

Well, finally I am a real blogger. It took me months to go through my list of sayings and quips to come up with a name. Then I had to remember the original google account password to set up this page. That was monumental. I kept thinking my eight year old grand-daughter has a blog how hard can it be? But alas, it was hard just because I kept changing my mind about the message I wanted to have in my blog's title.

I tried, " When Life Gives you Lemons", " Killing Two Birds", "Methods to Madness" all denied. Tonight it just came to me. "Love Endures All things" It is the final sentences to a biblical passage dear to many people. ( Corinthians 13 )

At this time of my life and career it fits. It is sweeter than saying "Been there done that" which is exactly how most of the people my age feel when reflecting on things the younger generation find a challenge.

Each year in September, memories come floating back about college dating days, our fall wedding and the beginning of my marriage. Fred and I have been together 39 years this week and married 38 years in October. Trust me with my family, our love has endured it all.