Monday, December 19, 2011

Almost There

When I first started to blog a few years ago, I was posting about once a week. Last year when I broke my wrist it put a damper on things. I eventually was able to type again and tried to get started but doubt if I even posted a dozen times the whole year.

My bout with depression in 2011 was like a ghost strangling the life out of me. The biggest problems are triggers from my childhood. If my mother spills her drink I quietly clean it up and remember a time she screamed at me that I was clumsy when I spilled something. If mom comes downstairs wearing clothes that clash, I calmly redirect her to change her clothes if we are going somewhere. But the triggers are there like the time I was seven and wore stripes going one way and stripes going the other way and mom slapped me in a store parking lot. The worst part of growing up was lack of control. I had brothers to watch, house to run, work weekends at Coop, and high school. Thank God my cousin came to live with us or I would have had a break down in high school.

These past four years I have been going through the grief stages. Grieving the life Fred & I had before. I have no control once again. I had given up my girl friend time, my sorority meetings, our bible study once a week. Our life is focused on who will sit with mom, take off work to take her to appointments? We were highly involved in our church and had to let that go too. We cancelled our 40th Anniversary trip to Europe twice. It is no wonder I was so depressed. On top of this my weight topped scales at 173.

Finally, the worried look on my doctor’s face and the begging of my children and friends prompted me to go in a different direction. But most of all it was me looking in the mirror and saying who are you? You have always been a fighter. You already climbed out of this hole before, how on earth did you allow yourself to fall back?

Throughout this year it has been my husband, children and face-book family who laughed with me the days I tried to see humor in frustrating situations. They encouraged me, and affirmed me as they helped me climb out of the pits. Some quip, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”

It wasn’t until Thanksgiving and laughing over wine with Annie that I realized maybe I was going to be OK. Annie said, “I feel like I’ve got my mom back. You have been gone a long time."

So I am back, not as strong but getting better. I am scheduling monthly girl time events and Fred and I are paying sitters for a date night once a week. Our pastor has asked us to mentor young couples this year and we can do this from home and it suits us perfectly.

Believe it or not there are a couple of people who missed my blogs so this post is for you.

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