God is Good.

Each day I wake up I know that God is good. It doesn’t matter that we are stuck in a hotel room for a month. One of the things I know is as long as you keep dreaming all is well. When I breathe in the spring air it feels like home. Mayberry life appeals to Fred and me too. Fred is very happy so far with his new job.

Annie is a tutor at lunch several times a week and I get to watch Ellerie for a short while. She used to sit with her dad in his classroom. Today she said she loved me more than “April showers bring May flowers”. We spent an hour playing with Polly Pockets. She also said I like when you watch me because I have to be quiet in daddy’s classroom.

Abbie is growing into quite the young lady. I promised her a room she does not have to share at my new house. She has been planning out furniture placement and colors with me. On my birthday I wore the outfit she picked for me last year and she was so tickled.

Ethan has baseball. Watching the team play is like a real life “Bad News Bears” There was a time out called because left field had to go to the bathroom...kids were afraid to slide into home and some booing at the umpires. It brought back memories of the many games I watched my brothers play.

While I do not know all that God has planned for me, I know that it is all-good.

Not My Fault

Today I received a letter in the mail that my license was suspended. Of course, the driving school where I went to class last month did not send my paperwork into the Clerk of Courts. This was another case of “Murphy’s Law” for me. The letter said I had to pay $60 to have my license reinstated.

The Clerk of Courts is at the DMV in the Court House so when you get there you must pass through a metal detector and they X-Ray your purse. Fred was with me and he had not prepared me that this would happen. At least when I go to an airport I can prepare.

The guard told me I had tweezers in my purse. So I struggled to find them fishing in this pocket and the next one. When found, she said there were TWO more tweezers shown on the machine. Fred was patiently waiting but I immediately saw his eyes roll when I rummaged once again finally dumping the whole bag on their table. Three tweezers, an eyeglass screwdriver, rosary beads, tape measure, paper clips, and metal ring later they let me pass through.The confiscated the tweezers. Maybe they know how irate people get waiting at DMV and how tweezers could be lethal.

The rest of the trip turned out OK because I didn’t have to pay $60 for my license. They said it wasn’t my fault. Finally, something that was not my fault.

Things I Pondered on Vacation.

Fast food joints, restaurants, hotels, resorts ... GET RID OF YOUR SILK FLOWERS most of them are faded pieces of crap.

There are too many trickle down cuts because of economy. Hotels used to automatically give you freebies, clean towels and other amenities. Now you get the toilet paper left over from the previous customer but it has a fancy triangular fold at the end. You request the razor you forgot and you make your own coffee.

Consumers are made to feel guilty if they want clean towels, sheets daily. Little cards promoting “green” choices make you think twice about requesting water at your meals for fear you will get a server “eye roll”.

Restaurants make people wait for over an hour. When they finally are able to go into the restaurant it has many empty tables. The real reason for the wait is they do not have enough help to handle the people.

Parking spaces are limited. If someone parks in the condo garage without a sticker there is not enough help to enforce it. Consequently, one wastes a lot of vacation time riding around the block.

But the thing I “pondered” the most is none of these things matter when you are sharing time with family you love.

Embrace Your Nerdiness

Latin II, Mr. Cameron’s class was my first challenge in my high school academic path. There was about seven of us in the class. Latin was required when I went to the catholic high school so when I switched over to Public HS they just put me in Latin II. I remember David P. turning around one day in class and saying... “How did you get in this class?” His inflection was clear, I wasn’t as smart as the others. I never forgot that.

At that time in my life, I was in charge of our house, cleaning, cooking and working sometimes on school nights in the kitchen at my dad’s bar. Not to mention the on going drama in my social life with my cheating boyfriend. LOL ... There was not enough time for studying so a “C” and even my first “D” reflected my little effort.

Throughout high school, I maintained a B average and managed to graduate in top quarter of class. Still, my self-image was always poor. I dropped out of college in 1971 because I believed my goal was unachievable and out of reach. It took years of my perceptive husband Fred’s constant affirmations and you can do this and then at last a turn around.

When I returned to college in 1981 to finish my last two years I gave 100%. Like the scarecrow in Oz, I had a brain. As an education major, the courses I took made me realize for the first time there were reasons for my rough road in some courses besides the overall lack of effort. It became very clear I had ADHD. I recognized some of the clues in my Ed psych class. It was easy to see I was a tactile & visual learner not auditory. Some call it “Right Brained”. The hands-on college courses had me charged up.  Gardner’s Seven Areas of Intelligence was an inspiration and I vowed I would include all seven areas in my lessons. I have kept that promise.

My colleagues see me as an “out of the box” creative thinker. My style of dress has me a candidate for “What Not to Wear” wearing my collection of “94” converse shoes. Yes, I play in my classroom; I make up for the years of working in my youth when I color or dance with my students and my 50 marionettes. I embrace my nerdiness. 

You Were Right

What is it about these two words that are so difficult to say?

About a year ago we purchased a new adjustable bed and my kids went on and on teasing me about it. They called me old and visualized all kinds of scenarios because I do not do well with remote controls.

Well, it happened. Cappy rolled over during the night and set off the remote. The bed started to shake and vibrate. I pushed every button and could not get it to stop. Funny, Fred couldn’t see any humor in the situation and that made matters worse. He was then wide awake and took the remote from me. He started pushing the buttons. It would not stop. Even with my snickers he didn’t laugh. The dog was going crazy in circles.

Finally, I climbed under the bed and pulled the plug and then it was stuck in the up position at the head and bottom. I got back in bed and kept my mouth closed. Maybe he would see the humor in it later.

Anyway Annie, I just wanted to tell you. You predicted the whole scene. You were right.

Fred still doesn’t think it was funny. LOL

What time is it?

It is time to make changes. It is time to dream. It is time to live and be in control.

This week is my spring break. I have cleaned, moved all furniture and pictures in my house, an OCD trait that I have always had but in last four years it has been quite apparent it is compulsive. Control is the big issue here. What is it that can be controlled when you think your life is spiraling out of control?

Last summer we took one week off to go to Myrtle Beach. Sadly, one of the reasons was to have time with Fred’s brother Chuck who was dying of cancer. He lost his battle in the fall and we were all so thankful for that summer together. But I came home different. Life is too short.

The first thing about my life that I decided I could control was what I ate, my weight. Getting healthy became a priority. Visualization is something that always worked for me in the past. Putting pictures on the fridge of cars, furniture, vacations etc have always been part of my repertoire. I decided to do this again and started to surround myself with pictures of me smiling with me grandkids, family and friends.

Another first is deciding to comply with the doctors and take the pills I need to shake my depression and also sleep at night. I did not want to go this route but with the encouragement of those around me and also my doctor’s concern and lecture I said OK. His genuine fear I was going to hurt myself made me feel embarrassed like a scolded child.

My personal visualizations included mental images on my bicycle again. This escape was one from childhood. When the wind hits my face, it is exhilarating. Riding is not exercise it is freedom. I ride almost every day weather permitting. Roller-skating gives me the same feeling but no courage to skate again. After my broken wrist last year, I am not so sure.

Having a short vacation break is the needed boost it is meant to be. I feel like the “energizer bunny”. I am even looking forward to returning to work with all the ideas I have been cooking up in my head this week.

Take one day at a time. Savor each day. Accept what you cannot control, God is in control.

What I learned.

New Year's Day is my mother’s 88th birthday and the fourth anniversary of when she came to Florida. Most of you know that health issues turned a short visit into an extended stay and then a permanent move.

In the last four years I found out a lot about mom and about myself:
She does not like to make new friends but is loyal if you are her friend already.
She is actually shy.
She likes her clothes to match.
She folds clothes perfectly (even the underwear)

She loves sweets, ice cream and pastry.
She loves shrimp cocktail and hot sauce.
She will not try any new foods.
She loves pasta and would eat it every day.
She can sit in the sun for hours.
She has zero short-term memory.
She is cold when it is 90 outside.
She has been brainwashed by the “right” side of the Catholic Church. EWTN 24/7
She thinks she is going to die if she doesn’t go poop every day.
She would never say the word “poop” or “fart”.
She thinks everyone is going to hell.

Her stroke disabilities have caused her to reverse things; if she is talking about a white dog, I know it is really black. If she says it is 3:00 o’clock, it is 9:00 o’clock. I realized the problem with numbers when she was trying to write a recipe.

Her stroke also left her with no peripheral vision in both eyes so if she does not turn her head she does not see things. She is VERY stubborn and refuses to turn her head even though it would give her twenty-twenty vision if she did.

Mom is very childlike at this stage in her life. It is hard to believe that she was once the feisty, strong assertive businesswoman. She has so much trouble remembering what her life was like except for what it was like the year before she came. I like to make her happy and have found that she loves to get presents and cards.

I have tons of patience with my own kids and my students but sadly very little with mom. Which is why I think God sent mom here to stay with us. He wants me to learn patience, kindness, tolerance, and acceptance.
Happy Birthday Mom. I Love You.

For Health

Reconnecting with people on face book spurs memories that have been buried in the back of your mind like the comedic stuffed closet where everything falls on your head when the door opens. It is also similar to when your mind floods with flashbacks when an old song is played on the radio.

That happens often these days. My recent memory spark came when my daughter sent me a simple little magnet for an extra Christmas gift. It had a picture of “Lucy” on it drinking Vitameatavegamin. I instantly knew her reference.

When Annie was in the fifth grade she left for school at 8:45. One day, the rerun of the above mentioned episode was on. I had to go to work but told Annie stay and go late to school. She argued she would get in trouble but I would have none of it. She had to stay and watch the classic. I promptly wrote her a note where I truthfully told the real reason she was late; knowing her teacher was a character and would indeed excuse her. He did.

But the most significant treasure in this spark is knowing that a cherished memory had been passed down to my grandchildren and I could hear them giggle and laugh at how silly Grammy is sometime.

2011 Reflection on the Positive Side

Fred had a health scare. Thank you God he survived another close call with his heart.

Mom was in the hospital four times. Thank you God, I survived.

The PT Cruiser died. Thank you God, I’ve got a new Mini-Cooper.

I had a bout with depression. Thank you God it disciplined me to lose weight.

Cancelled our trip to Europe. Thank you God I got to see my grand kids three times.

Class size has increased. Thank you God, my students are well behaved.

Needed more time. Thank you God for on line banking.

My doctor moved out of state. Thank you God I have a new one that has me on track.

My hair looked like crap. Thank you God, the girls forced me to get it cut.

Thank you God for our family, friends and love but most of all thanks for Fred.

Almost There

When I first started to blog a few years ago, I was posting about once a week. Last year when I broke my wrist it put a damper on things. I eventually was able to type again and tried to get started but doubt if I even posted a dozen times the whole year.

My bout with depression in 2011 was like a ghost strangling the life out of me. The biggest problems are triggers from my childhood. If my mother spills her drink I quietly clean it up and remember a time she screamed at me that I was clumsy when I spilled something. If mom comes downstairs wearing clothes that clash, I calmly redirect her to change her clothes if we are going somewhere. But the triggers are there like the time I was seven and wore stripes going one way and stripes going the other way and mom slapped me in a store parking lot. The worst part of growing up was lack of control. I had brothers to watch, house to run, work weekends at Coop, and high school. Thank God my cousin came to live with us or I would have had a break down in high school.

These past four years I have been going through the grief stages. Grieving the life Fred & I had before. I have no control once again. I had given up my girl friend time, my sorority meetings, our bible study once a week. Our life is focused on who will sit with mom, take off work to take her to appointments? We were highly involved in our church and had to let that go too. We cancelled our 40th Anniversary trip to Europe twice. It is no wonder I was so depressed. On top of this my weight topped scales at 173.

Finally, the worried look on my doctor’s face and the begging of my children and friends prompted me to go in a different direction. But most of all it was me looking in the mirror and saying who are you? You have always been a fighter. You already climbed out of this hole before, how on earth did you allow yourself to fall back?

Throughout this year it has been my husband, children and face-book family who laughed with me the days I tried to see humor in frustrating situations. They encouraged me, and affirmed me as they helped me climb out of the pits. Some quip, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”

It wasn’t until Thanksgiving and laughing over wine with Annie that I realized maybe I was going to be OK. Annie said, “I feel like I’ve got my mom back. You have been gone a long time."

So I am back, not as strong but getting better. I am scheduling monthly girl time events and Fred and I are paying sitters for a date night once a week. Our pastor has asked us to mentor young couples this year and we can do this from home and it suits us perfectly.

Believe it or not there are a couple of people who missed my blogs so this post is for you.

For "Mr. Martin"

I was 19 when I met my husband. “Pledgee Laurie Krupa wishes Mr. Martin a very fine good day Sir” then I had to click my heels three times.
Fred was so handsome. He was student teaching at the time and I remember well he was wearing a three-piece suit. He was very kind and even though I was standing there in a purple beanie a buckskin coat (It was the 60’s) and two different color converse shoes he didn’t laugh at me. He signed my Pledge Book and helped me get his fraternity brothers signatures too.

Today is a day of reflection. It is our 40th wedding anniversary. It is Fred’s birthday too. We are apart because of family priorities so we have put our celebration on hold.

Anyone who knows us can attest we celebrate our marriage everyday. I married Fred because I knew he would keep me safe, he would never hurt me and he would make me his priority. He has never let me down.
He is the one constant in my life. He is my knight in shining armor, my love.

Thank you for these past forty years. I am looking to our future as we continue to celebrate our sacrament each and every day. I love you.

Family ?????

Fred and I left my hometown many years ago. Friends became our surrogate family. They were there for the birthday, holidays, Communions, Confirmations, graduations and weddings in our family. Many are closer to us than our own brothers and sisters.

These past four years we have called on them for support and love many times. When we gather together we laugh and share the memories of our lives. Our girls refer to many as aunt and uncle. Annie and Jaime have adopted our idea in their own life as they surround themselves with their own surrogate families in Ohio and NJ.

It occurred to me our chosen family is such a comfort because of our past. I am so sad that my girls do not feel close to my family. They have very few memories with them.

When our kids were growing up we made three yearly trips to see family in NJ and Pa. Christmas, Easter and summer break. We did this to try the best we could to develop relationships with our blood relatives.

Fred’s family would embrace us and the kids were able to really get to know their Martin family at picnics, sledding in winter, or family reunions. Because they knew we were coming, every day was a new event. Each night we would go to a different family member’s house or restaurant to draw together to laugh and build a second generation of memories. Now as adult children the cousins group together and take on the role of memory builders for the younger generation.

In NJ it was more difficult especially in the summer. Even though we came at the same time each year we often felt we were a burden. Several times when the girls were little we went to Jersey shore and never saw one person from Bridgeton. It was the same thing when we tried to gather for two weeks with grandchildren in recent summers. Only my nephew’s wife and my cousin Louise made a point each year to spend a whole day with me. Yet my surrogate family drove down each year from Connecticut to see us. Our facebook reunion with lost cousins was successful too.

A couple years ago we said why are we doing this?? We went to NJ for a class reunion and had to stay in a hotel because no one could take us. Some were not going to be home but did not offer their house. We had to have Jaime drive three hours to take my mom because no one could watch her for a few hours. This is not family.

Face book has been a beautiful gift for me as I can get to fill the void I felt with my father’s family. I blame daddy & my mother because we only saw them at weddings and funerals. When I go back to NJ next time I will call my Pennsgrove facebook family and my Vineland second cousins and I bet someone will take me.

Saturday Revisited

Today was like a dream... sleeping in until 9:00 o’clock. Staying in my night-shirt for half the day, I felt naughty. I did whatever I wanted. I watched a few movies on demand, HGTV shows. I sat out in the sun without sunscreen. I am sure the neighbors heard my Mario Lanza albums blasting.

Fred’s car died so I am stuck at home and loving it. No one is here. I am alone in my own house for the first time in almost four years.
Life is good. I need to get back to playing in my house now, mom will be out of rehab soon.

Our Town

What a nice surprise today to find that someone in my hometown set up a facebook page called Bridgeton Memory Lane. What a treasure trove of memories flooded the site as people reflected how Bridgeton used to be. About every one hundred memories posted someone would post things like Pepsi Randy, Powderpuff Charlie, Sweet Shop, Giant Subs and more.

Last summer I visited after a few years away. I hardly recognized the worn historical town. It was like watching someone old and wise get dementia. There were bridges out, landmarks gone. It was as if the spirit and dignity were sucked right out of the town’s beautiful soul. Neighborhoods that used to be standouts were dark and dingy with a cultural explosion sitting on worn and stained upholstery couches.

Some of today’s facebook posters blamed the loss of factories, the Cumberland Mall, people like me who left soon after graduation or the influx of different cultural groups.

But today all remembered like the sudden memory bursts of an elderly Alzheimer patient and for a brief moment the soul of our town was shining through the clouds and it was a magnificent thing.

Trickle Down

This summer I have noticed so many things that I believe speak to the drastic turn in our economy. Budget cuts and job cuts are starting to really surface in our mental health and welfare in ways you might not imagine.

I was eating in a once beautiful hospital cafeteria. The atrium had faded artificial silk flowers that had turned an ugly bluish color. The soothing fountain near the dining tables was no longer flowing. The windows were cloudy and streaked. All probably reflecting someone’s maintenance job that was phased out no doubt.

Even a trip to the local grocery store has changed. The store used to have daily window washers and workers out in lot picking up paper and trash and getting the store ready for the day at 6:00 a m. Now, you see trash everywhere and carts strewn about in the rain rusting so when you use them they are hard to operate and noisy. Their squeak another reminder the quality of our life is being affected in subtle ways. The thing I really miss is the complimentary coffee while you shop.

Even Mother Nature has contributed to our depression. No rain and drought conditions have us under water restrictions. Once manicured lawns look bleak and brown. Waterfalls and fountains outside of developments are only working on weekends. In some areas it reminds me of the old movie The Day the Earth Stood Still.

Senior citizens are on budgets that require deciding between electric bills and medications. People are using credit cards to buy food, pay mortgages, doctor bills, car repairs and going deeper in debt. It is so sad.

This week I saw a grown man cry at our vet because his dog needed Chemotherapy and he could not afford it. Another man had a cat that was having seizures and needed a script refill. The vet couldn’t do it without the $50 physical. The man left with his head down.


I need to look to these changes and remind myself of the many blessings I still have. I have a hospital, doctors, and stores. I have a job I love, food to eat, medicine. I have family and friends who care and love me.

I have decided to look to the sun. The warmth is a gentle reminder of God’s power. I will imagine each warm ray God’s hand like a Father’s touch and give thanks.

Dear Dutchie

Dear Dutchie,

It seems like a short while ago that you lost your battle with cancer. You were the “Auntie Mame” the “Martin Matriarch”. Each time the family gathered you made sure every second was filled with fun and excitement.

Although I am one of the “outlaws” of the family I have been a part of the Martins for forty years. We traveled to Washington for many reunions from Jersey, Ohio and even Florida. Trust me we carried on in Martin tradition.

You would have been so proud of Cap & Kenny’s branch this year as they tried to organize a gathering to rally and make new memories for a new generation. I felt your presence and know you were with us.

Darcy channeled you when she argued with the front desk with their unacceptable service.

I saw Kelly gather up the kids and fly kites on the beach, something you would have done.

Chuck took the kids to the water slides and played with them in the pool for hours. He fed an alligator chicken to the delight of the kids.

Deanna was the official swim teacher, and family photographer. Her smile was contagious.

Darcy and Kelly sang Karaoke as the family whooped and cheered.

Annie, Patti, Joanie, Kelly, Kara were a great audience reminiscing and laughing at the kids antics.

Fred was “Doctor Fred” diagnosing and giving advice in the pool. Dan said that was his new handle. He finally got rid of the nickname “Feet”.

Even the “outlaws” John Mark and Paul spent some bonding time on golf course.

The littlest “cousins” were all BFF’s and eager each day to see each other. The big kids made memories with the little ones. Annie went on the never ending ride with Ellerie, while Brayden and Aiden braved a roller coaster with a cheering crowd and Fred took Abbie on her first big Ferris Wheel.

We went to nice restaurants, tried new foods, and listened to music. We played Martin trivia with the old cards, updated questions, and added a few new ones from new memories. But most of all we promised to try to get together again and make sure those who could not come this time would want to come the next gathering.

We love and miss you Dutchie. Thank you for teaching us the importance of family.

Vacations are like looking in a mirror.

Sometimes you learn things you like and sometimes you learn what you don’t.

I felt like I was on the show “Intervention” when my family made me aware:

I don’t know how to properly put on sunscreen.

Who gets a perm in the middle of summer???

My clothes would fit better if I were measured for a bra.

My toes are too gross to color.

I walk way too slow.

My boobs should NEVER be photographed in a bathing suit.

I have trouble making Kraft Mac n Cheese.

Apparently, I have a unibrow.

I still get drunk on one drink.

But these things I do know:

I admire Annie’s sophisticated Shabby Chic, her patience and parenting skills.

Paul ate wings every day.

Abbie is nurturing, sensitive and likes to compete like her mom & dad.

Paul ate wings every day.

I am in awe of Ethan’s math & rummy skills and ability to make you feel special.

Paul ate wings every day.

Ellerie’s impish twinkle makes me melt and she is the textbook youngest child.

Paul ate wings every day.

Martin reunions are still a hoot and everyone likes to party.

Paul ate wings every day.

Fred is my number one fan no matter what.

Simple as ABCs

It will be a real miracle if we stay in relationship after these past two weeks home together.

For years we have had an inside joke that Fred needs to stay out of my drawers. No, not my “pants” but my file drawers.

He just doesn’t get my system. It would just be so much easier if he asked me for something than root through the files on his own. Eventually he will call to me after I say “What are you looking for now?”

The Allstate file, he calls back.

It’s in the file marked “C”.

What??????? He questions like it doesn’t make sense.

“C” I pause, “for car”

Next day, where is the AT & T? Fred sighs.

It is in “U” for utilities.

Today, he wanted the Discover Card file, He yelled, “I already looked in “C” for Credit cards but it is not there. I found it in this file with no tab.”

I retorted, “Is it Orange???” ..... He will just never get my system.

EOY

End of Year.

For teachers June is long awaited for so many reasons:
No more pencils, no more books,
No more people’s goofy looks like
Pants on the ground, painted hair, or
Parents who look like “Hootchie mamas”that swear.
Colleagues who let their students rome around and
A box overflowing with the lost and found.
Zero Tolerance, Bullying what is that?
Baby showers, parties that make us so fat.
FCAT, PTSA, BTU, SAC, and NESS
Just chalk up another year at LCMS.
THANK GOD IT’S OVER.

Wicked

This is my birthday week. Fred took me to see the Broadway play Wicked. We had front row seats. It was a wonderful evening. I felt normal. I felt like Laurie. I felt Wicked in a good way.

It has been months since I have been able to think clearly let alone blog. Health issues hanging over my head has resulted in a bout of depression and pity party. My children both came to Florida and I was able to have a fleeting visit with them in hopes I could snap out of it. Instead of smiles and grandbabies kisses giving me joy I found myself sinking deeper. Depression sucks.

Finally about a month ago, my doctor insisted I start medication. I hate any medicine as I blame most of my problems on the side effects of taking so many. Three years ago I only took a vitamin. Now I take more than a dozen pills a day. But I said yes in a desperate attempt to get my life back.

When my mother came for a visit and had her stroke I became paranoid it could happen to me. I regret today I said yes to aggressive medication for my over 500
Cholesterol. This medication depleted me of vitamins and caused stomach problems, then more meds. All of which had a domino effect. The calcium depletion contributed to my wrist injury.

My injury seems to have triggered an auto-immune disease which I must learn to live with. My husband wants his wife back, my children want their mom back and I feel like I am climbing Mt. Everest every day I get out of bed.

But I have so many who love me. Their genuine daily concern for me is better than the little blue pill I take. Friends force me to go out to dinner with them or make time for myself. My girls call daily. My husband is steadfast and continues to put me first.

Sixty offers me hope.